July 25, 2004

Yellow Jersey of Jesus

... what? You mean some of you haven't been overwhelmed by Lance Armstrong's sixth Tour de France victory yet, and are still bah-humbugging about bike racing?

Well, I'm... very disappointed. We need to fix this. You just haven't been acculturated to cycling fandom. This will help; it's a prayer that was posted on a message board back in 1991 for for the American cyclist I grew up cheering for, Greg LeMond. I think it nicely bridges the gap between the European cycling culture and the American red-state-voter culture.


Heavenly Father, we, the readers of rec.bicycles, ask you to watch and
guide Greg Lemond as he pits the cardio-vascular intensity of his thighs
against the steepness of Alpe D'Huez,

that he may sense every break and crush it righteously to rise from the
ashes like a Phoenix and breakaway on his own, with or without his team-
mates of Z who may have made a pact with the devil to abandon him,

that he may cross the finish line alone with his hands outstretched to
touch your holy feet in Heaven, while his enemies are littered below on
the mountain vainly speaking in tongues to their team directors,

that he may fulfill your dreams for America by vanquishing the cycling
forces of Satan who ride for the heathen countries where English is not

that he may warp the time-space continuum for a measly 4:42+ and wear the
Yellow Jersey of Jesus, the Son, into the City of Wickedness, the City with
a monument to the Arch-Angel's Triumph, where the armies of Satan drink
powerful dark liquids on the sidewalks and plot the downfall of America with
Moslem expatriates.

Lord, the Father, of this we pray.

Your faithful groveling supplicant,
Dave Harvey

Posted by Carey at July 25, 2004 05:45 PM

Oh, how excellent. I didn't even know that Jesus had a yellow jersey!

Posted by: Heidi at July 25, 2004 08:25 PM

Note: the Greg LeMond link lists him as having one three world championships. He won two, and one junior world championship. Just so we're clear.

(Jesus, of course, has a lot of strong domestiques.)

Posted by: Carey at July 27, 2004 10:58 AM